hippopotamuses. Basically, they sleep until someone provokes them, and then they attack.)
For this reason, I have been advocating for years that children should be kept on leashes. Wait! Before you call social services on me, hear me out. If you think about it, we all treat little kids like puppies anyway. How about the guy who invented the crib? It’s basically a cage for your child. I bet he met a lot of resistance until he won over the world. Can you imagine a world without cribs? Parents would be a lot more upset, and children would be in a lot more danger (from their over-tired parents). Although I really think we could upgrade the crib by making it more like a fish tank. My kid’s pacifier falls out between the bars all the time. Then I have to go searching for it in the middle of the night and can never find it, and then I get down on the floor and in order to try to find it I have to basically sprawl myself out as if I was making a snow angel. (At these moments I always think about Hashem looking down and laughing at this guy sprawled out on the floor in the pitch black.) I never find the wayward pacifier. In the morning it’s always in the corner of the crib. Recently I went out and just bought thirty pacifiers and threw ’em in the crib, and that buys me a couple hours of quiet. And also my snow angel now has less of a chance of coming up empty-handed. I don’t know why we don’t make large fish tanks for them. Nothing will fall out that way, and it will also take way longer for them to learn how to climb out.
That’s why I’m an advocate for leashing our children. Harambe the Gorilla would still be alive today if our children were on leashes. The leash doesn’t necessarily have to be around the neck. I’m sure we can work out some sort of body leash. We can make it in stylish colors and different designs; look at how many different types of cribs there are! I don’t own a dog, but I bet most don’t have such sweet cages. (Although I do sometimes see dogs wearing sweaters, and then I do wonder if they sleep in real cribs. Also every time I see those toasty canines I get excited that someone else thought to put their kid on a leash, until I realize it’s only their dog.)
I ask of you just one favor: think about it. The editor of the magazine first refused this article with some sort of argument such as “THIS IS A WOMEN’S MAGAZINE!”, but I convinced him that maybe, just maybe, it will go over well. If you send the magazine more death threats than the mother of the kid who fell into Harambe’s cage got, then I’m probably gonna be fired. But it’s okay. Even if I get fired, I’m working on another income; I just patented the first child leash, coming to a pet store near you.